"IIIIII'M BAAAAAAACK"

To the chagrin of my millions of fans, I haven’t written a blog in a minute…so, I’m going to satisfy the masses today. I really don’t have a particular story to tell which might be a first for me, but I’m about to transform this toolbag at the bar here into some material.

He’s the only person in here other than me. Tortoise shell sunglasses, attempt at a breezy button up shirt, Birkenstocks, windblown brown curls. He’s got this annoying voice – like a feminine version of Matthew McConaughey…basically a girly southern drawl. He hasn’t stopped talking since he arrived, literally, and he’s averaging a beer every 15 minutes. I’m sitting over his right shoulder, unfortunately, which enables me to notice him “casually” looking over at me after each sentence, because he thinks everything coming out of his mouth is so epic. He also keeps calling the bartender by her first name, even though she clearly isn’t a fan. Every time he looks at me, I ensure that I have a seriously contorted work face so as not to suggest that I will ever change my mind and become interested in what he’s talking about. Fuck, he just asked me a direct question...

Now, he is talking about his “athletic” dog. I mean, how do you know if you have an athletic dog? They all run fast, and most of them jump and catch balls in their mouth. So, what the hell makes his dog athletic? I’m not going to ask…oh wait, shocking…he just gave me some info to answer my critically important question. His dog can apparently “swim for a whole hour in the ocean”. Woah, an hour, like 60 minutes. Fish must be so athletic. After 5 minutes, I’m already over this character…any more direct questions, and I’m just going to say, “I’m not sure.” Unfortunately, that response didn’t work for “Do you live around here?” Ah, the joys of men with families…would love to meet this guy’s wife and kids; she either sucks or doesn’t really exist.

Speaking of dogs though, there is this really funny YouTube video called Ultimate Dog Tease. It’s funny until drunk people start loudly imitating the human voiceover of a dog cry. Last night, these two dudes kept doing it over and over again and telling me that they were going to create a human parody of the video and post it on YouTube. I mean, all you can say when somebody makes a comment like that is, “Wow, genius idea. I bet not one of the 41 million people who have viewed that video has thought of that. Simply genius.” By the way, an ambulance just drove by. I bet this guy’s dog is drowning from the swim. He’s gonna have to change that mutt's name from Lebron to Adam Lambert. Speaking of the toolbag again, he just informed the bartender (while of course looking over at me and laughing) that he saw his first naked woman in Jaws. That explains a lot.

I guess my work face isn't doing much to deter this guy, so I’m gonna call it quits and leave you today with a few really helpful life hints:

1) Prosecco is a great hangover cure…except when there is a bug in it

2) Don’t eat Cheerios if you don’t want to eat bugs…when they harvest the grain, there are bugs everywhere (this hint comes courtesy of toolbag)

3) If you ever write a song, don’t call it “Birdsong” and have lyrics that say, “Hey little sparrow, when you come around, leave me your sweet song, and a feather crown.” This just makes you seem weird, and gets you a huge Pandora thumbs down…just saying

4) Don’t watch the US Open if Tiger isn’t playing. You will be so bored.

5) If you are a man sitting at the bar alone, don’t ever say, “I have a bunch of pre-teens at my house.” Like, ever. (This hint is courtesy of me in honor of toolbag).